Eww, it’s me..

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I feel so shitty. I went to get soda from seven eleven and this guy came to the door before me, glanced at me in such disgust that there was no holding the door for me… Not even an extra push of the door for me to catch it and come in. I got soda and proceeded to stand in line to be checked out. He chatted a woman as large as I, giggles, good convo… When it came my turn I was eye balled and huffed at. Why is SO wrong with me? As I left, he seemed as if he was gonna go back in and I held the door and asked ‘ya going back in?’ He again eye balled me with such a facial expression as I was covered in snot and meanly snapped at me like ‘uh, no.. Pfft’. He looked like a man In the show Grease. Before I gained so much weight, I would have said something. I spent the day decorating the house in Xmas including putting up the tree so my hair was up but abruptly up and no makeup. I wonder how I have a boyfriend. Is he my boyfriend cuz it’s been so long and he feels obligated? He hasn’t sexually touched me in years. I must be gross.
Dr gave me Adderall so anorexia I so very much hope. I’ll never be happy with my appearance though. I have stupid teeth and high cheek bones too. Last person who noticed picked on me for it. Sorry for being Irish?
I wish I could be pretty.

Ambien trial..

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So I never really sleep through the night. I spend 2-5 hours falling asleep and then I never stay asleep. I wake up and it takes another hour to sleep, many times a night.. It’s been like that all of my life. Idk why.. I mean when I go to sleep I think about how my life would be, how’d I’d like it to be, how I failed, how bad I hurt my loved ones, every bad thing I’ve done till I’m covered in sweat.. No one can sleep with that. I do deserve it, I’m & was a horrible person. Idk why I’m such a fuck up.. I never mean these things, I always feel horrific after. I haven’t done bad in awhile. I was on trazadone 100mgs to sleep and I took melatonin. I’m supposed to stop all that now. I have a new script for Ambien. When I told everyone I was now to take Ambien, everyone was like oh no. My mother took it and sleep walked. Talked to people ect.. I read even people drive asleep. Scary shit. I’m afraid to take it. If my mother had problems, highly likely I will, right? Should I try?

Teen mom

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Being a teen mom sucked for more than obvious reason, besides not being to hang out, go places, drop out of school, shitty job, post partum depression, lonely, poor, no child support, looked at with shame, criticism, lose friends ect..
But what’s getting to me now is that I did it at 17, while my fiends went out and had fun.. Now my daughter is 14, I can go out, I can have people over after she sleeps while still setting a good example, I can go to the store without a toddler in tow, screaming for everything they see.. But no one else can. They once were childless and didn’t understand I couldn’t chill, sitters cost money ect.. Now they have young children. Now they all can bond together and have kid trips and play dates. Shit no 14 yr old wants to be a part of plus the fact she is acting like a teen so it’s such a big deal.
What the fuck

Failure..

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I really fuckin’ sucks how hard I worked for almost a month and lost like 4 lbs.. For real, I’m such a fat ass, I should be dropping pounds left and right for minor effort!
No, no, no.. After circuit training daily, a 500cal workout and walkin’ 2mil a night and not really drinking, it amounted to shit.. So I started drinking nightly again, my weight didn’t change – doomed to be forever fat!! I still walk a lot, but ran out of money to food shop, so ppl come home with fast food.. Hoor-fuckin’-ray! I get to eat like 1500 calories in a sitting and be hungry an hour later!
What the fuck!!

I fuckin’ fail no matter what!