2/11/14

I’m always so embarrassed to tear up at movies and tv shows.. I always relate one way.. One Tree Hill. Hayley’s mom died and I sit here and think if I lost mine.. I was a horrible daughter and she’s been nothing but amazing. She’s been so amazingly strong through out my entire life. Work 10 hrs, cook a full meal, cleaned and dealt with two bad kids. I was really bad though. Once my dad killed himself, I got real close with her.

2/5/2014

I had a good roll goin on but here I am drinking again and I just feel like shit.. I’m the most fat I’ve ever been and today I noticed many new stretch marks.. I did have a child but fuck, over 13 years ago and I have worse stretch marks now. I stayed under 1200 calories, I ran in the snow, I shoveled it.. I walked quickly uphill for half a mile.. I’m just fucked. Now I will give to his nagging and I’ll drink with him.. I have nothing to fucking lose anymore.

2/4/2014

Yano what’s worst about drinking? It brings the worst out of you.. Drink angry, you’re gonna break all you’re shit that doesn’t work immediately, drink sad & stay away from the pills & knives, drink happy & prepare to be a whore, someone who will be happy with you when there isn’t anyone else and drink cuz you’re bored.. Jail. OR that’s just me.

2/1/2014

Yesterday was my 6th day not drinking.. But I’m probably gonna drink tonight. My boyfriend is getting annoying with the nagging and such. Actually he’s been pretty annoying all day. He said he’s going to go to Dunkin Donuts, and asked if I wanted something.. I asked for a large coffee, %2 with splenda. He got mad and said you’ll get a normal coffee.. I suppose just the same, I’m not losing any weight and I’ve been on a strict diet for like 10 days now. I even started walking again. Ugh, instant gratification would be wonderful!
Now I’m thinking, what is the point? Who cares if I drink too much, eat too much or if I sleep half the day? No one expects anything from me anyway. Suppose I’m just depressed. I hate mostly everything right now, so IDK if that’s depression. I’m not trying to blame my boyfriend for anything, it’s just we’re the same person in bad habits and I’m choosing to try to change and he doesn’t want to so really I’m just frustrated with myself.. Who am I to change someone?
I’ll update this later on, I’m cooking an unhealthy meal as per requested.
oxo

1/30/14

Seems like even know it’s day 5 that I haven’t drank, it’s getting harder not to. I’m eating like crazy so that’s not helping. I’m overly depressed and gaining weight isn’t gonna help.
Since I gained over 100lbs in less than a year and half, I feel too embarrassed to hang out with anyone I know.. I’ve never been so heavy or even close to this heavy. What would they think of me? ‘Wow, what happened to you?’.. Let alone go into stores. Maybe I’ll run into someone I know, plus strangers looking at me like ‘Woah, that girl just gave up’ or ‘Uh, is that a fat dude or girl?’.. Just a few days ago is when I bought a pair of sweats and a hoodie that fit me. I had to turn sideways down the isles to even look for clothes. I was in the ladies plus section of the store so why were the isles so small? Why do they do that?! I didn’t wanna buy clothes that fit, I felt like buying clothes to fit fat me was committing to being fat me.
Man I sleep SO much. My bed is my favorite place to be, warm, comfortable, alone.. But then when I wake up for the day at 7pm (which is when someone forces me to get up) I feel like shit, like what must they think of me? So I wanna just go back to sleep.  I kinda wanna go back to sleep now..
It’s a wonder I even have a boyfriend. I mean, we’ve been together so long maybe he feels obligated. I mean it’s not like we have sex. We kiss on occasion. I still try to cook and clean for him so maybe that’s it.. Well it can’t be since I haven’t vacuumed in like 2 months.
Fucking life.

1/29/14

Dear Diary,

Ok, right now I weigh 231lbs. Less than a year and half I weighed 120, athletic and dedicated. I wouldn’t say that I was happy but it was nice to have something to work for. Than I started drinking every night and drinking a lot. I started to slow down with my work outs and everything else, sleeping late and not doing many household chores. Than after a month or so I just stopped everything, no work outs, no household chores and slept a lot.. I mean I drank till like 4am but than I’d sleep till 3pm and zone out through the day until it was time to eat, sleep or drink. My boyfriend who lives with me is the same way, we drink together.
I honestly didn’t understand the problem much less care. Eventually I went to see a psychiatrist for the millionth time in my life and got medicine and counseling for my issues. I told them my some of my problems, my history but never the important things like I have struggled with depression all of my life as well as add, and as of 07′ ptsd or the numerous times I tried to kill myself, in very serious ways.. I don’t know why I didn’t tell them more, I mean how to I expect them to help me without telling them anything.  But the medicine helped a little but also helped me pass out quicker at night too. I mean shit my Christmas tree is still up because now I sleep till it’s dinner time and if it was up to me I’d sleep till it was time to get up and drink. Nothing else to do. No one was awake when we drank so it was ok but I’d also go sleep at my mothers and I’d put her through hell with it. Last time I was there, like a week ago, I got so drunk that I blacked out and woke up in my bed. I was told of my actions and I had broke her book case, screamed up and down the street for the cat, at 4am I grabbed my pillow and went into my mothers room to fight the vacuum cleaner (head injuries suggest it won) and when I woke up all my clothes were on the floor and drenched.. Still haven’t found my pants from that night. I have too many shitty stories to count.
So as of today, it’s been 4 days since I drank and it’s been hard.. Even harder because my boyfriend makes me feel bad for not drinking with him, sometimes annoyed, always says something about it because he too drinks as much as I daily. He still will drink while we watch tv and I can smell it and I want so much to say fuck it and make myself one too but I haven’t. I’ve been limiting my eating which is hard too because I live with my boyfriend and his dad (moving out isn’t an option) and they love fast food. His dad will buy it for us a few times a week and sometimes all week. I’m so grateful for him seeing we’re fed, I do the shopping and I buy these easy meals to prepare for them because I cannot cook, I have no idea how to. I’ve been learning a little and I do try but it always boils down to easy to prepare meals. I got a book so maybe that’ll help.
That’s my story for now.. Thank you for reading! <3<3<3